7 Answers

  1. Hello, Alexander!

    You write very interestingly!

    In your statement “It seems to me that nothing will change in this life” there is a doubt and it consists in the word “it seems” – this is still the hope for positive changes! This is the 1st resource-faith in a happy future, even if it is small.

    All that you can change in life is yourself, your mindset, destructive beliefs, attitudes and perceptions of yourself and the world around you, people around you (both close and unfamiliar). Under the influence of their own internal changes, the external world can either remain the same or also change: the grass will seem greener, the sky will be bluer, and people will be kinder.

    I noticed a lot of underestimations of myself. And they are associated with a series of failures, or those events that you perceive as failures.

    Not everyone from the school bench knows exactly what they will do in the future, what profession to go to. These are very rare exceptional cases. Many people find themselves in their favorite profession by the age of 40 or 50, having come a long way from changing one profession to another, third, fifth, tenth… Therefore, lower the inflated bar to realize yourself fully in 19-20 years. There are no such standards. They are only in your head.

    “Why was I born at all? If I'm almost always unlucky in my life! ” – Oh! how much sense there is in that “almost“! So, sometimes you still get lucky! Don't downplay your achievements. Just more often you focus your attention on failure, and what happens-well, as if it should be, there is nothing to pay attention to it. Nevertheless, following the rule of rewarding oneself for achievements (even small ones) develops a habit or ability to overcome difficulties in a person, as well as increases his self-esteem, encourages further self-realization and creativity.

    There was a man, Thomas Edison, I believe, who made (if my memory serves me correctly) 10,000 attempts to perfect the incandescent light bulb that humanity still uses today. And he made these attempts for several years. 10,000 trials and errors. At the end of his experiments, he said: “I found 10 thousand ways that don't work.” And only one – it turned out.

    You have already tried many things: boxing, swimming, art, driving, auto mechanics, something else… This is a precious life experience – your piggy bank of knowledge, skills and abilities is constantly replenished.

    The fact that you periodically lose interest in these activities may be quite normal, because you are trying, looking for yourself. If something doesn't work out, it doesn't mean that it will never work out, it just hasn't worked out YET, or you haven't finished it to its logical conclusion yet, maybe you make excessive demands on yourself to get perfect results, rush yourself instead of doing something at your own pace. Well these are my hypotheses…

    Even in communication with a psychologist, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist, there was a “temporary” but positive effect. The fact is that you need to work on your thoughts regularly and systematically, every day, throughout your life, as well as eat and wash, just as you systematically and daily drive “heavy”, depressing thoughts in your head that devalue yourself as a person and as a man. In this way, you form long-term strong neural connections in the brain, based only on negative thinking, attitudes and beliefs.

    So that you start to suit yourself and get joy and acceptance from the results of your activities, then every time bad thoughts come to your mind, stop yourself and try to reformulate them to the opposite. Teach your brain to question negative self-assessment. Something like this:

    1) “I hate my height, and it's small for a guy… this is very problematic for a guy” – “I have a good appearance, my height suits me and does not interfere with my self – realization”-there are also girls of small stature, and high growth is not related to success in any business.

    2) “I am … a feminine guy, and this is the biggest mistake in my life” – “I am a sensitive person, deeply and subtly feeling someone else's pain – and this is my personality trait” – this is not a mistake, but a character trait.

    3) “I hate my appearance, I have a lot of scars, face, generally, not very many traces of pimples“”I can try to seek the help of a dermatologist, facialist to change your diet so that my skin looked better” – because what is outside on the body can speak and what is happening inside the body.

    4) «More despair than joy” – “Even so, but there is also joy, and it can become more in my life if I allow it” – only you decide for yourself what to pay attention to and what to ignore in your life.

    5) «In life, even though I try, but I still get almost nothing ” – ” But something happens! Let such “almost” will be a little more” – every day small achievements will be more, they will accumulate, and your self-confidence will grow.

    6) «Why was I born at all? It's safe to say that I didn't deserve this life! Any other person is much more worthy than me. ” – If it was so desired by the universe, then you would NOT EXIST. If you are there, then you deserve it! You deserve it! Too many fates are intertwined for your mom and dad to meet, and you were born, and not someone else. Allow yourself to BE. You have the right!

    7) «I live now, but in my soul I am dead” – contradiction/internal conflict: “I live” and “I am dead” – You live, but you do not feel active, the energy of life, because you are filled with the energy of devaluing yourself, dissatisfaction, the discrepancy between “I am real” and “I am ideal”. What do you want to be? What does it mean for you to be “alive”? What do you lack to feel like this?

    8) “if something doesn't work out for someone, I always start blaming myself”-What do you blame yourself for? Does his failure have anything to do with your presence? Not at all! This is just his experience. And you help him. It's not because of you that he's failing. You take responsibility for the result of another person's activity. – This is an extra burden, both emotionally, mentally, and physically. You can and should help, but NOT TO THE DETRIMENT OF YOURSELF.

    9) “I have no interest in anything, well, almost” – There is interest in something, but there is a fear that it will fail again. If you are not mistaken, you will not know how to do this in the best possible way. Only after making a few mistakes can you figure out an effective way to do this, then consolidate the skill and improve it so that mistakes don't happen again. This is how you reach the level of mastery in something.

    10) «And I'm a single guy, no girlfriend, no plans for the rest of my life. I guess I won't even have an education.” – Not yet, but anything can happen at your request. If you do not take the initiative, then everything will really remain in the same places. If there is no action, then there is no result from this action. Everything is in your hands.

    Alexander, you are now very emotionally overwhelmed, so it's hard to move forward, so there is no desire to do anything, well, “almost” there. And at the same time, I noticed that you have a good potential. It's not about your height or appearance, or sensitivity – this is not what slows down and restricts you, but the fact that in your alleged “weaknesses” you see a flaw, not a virtue. As many flaws as there are in a person, there are exactly the same number of advantages. What you admire about others is also in you, otherwise you wouldn't have noticed it. If you pay attention to the disadvantages, then don't forget to see the pros as well. You have both in you. Just like in any other person. It is ok. It's natural.

    And the fact that this has been happening to you for 9 years – in one or two days, “you can't remove it”. If you have convinced yourself of the worst fears for 9 years, then you will have a few more months or years to convince yourself otherwise and start treating yourself appropriately and respectfully.

    I believe you can do it!

    Take care and love yourself!

    PS: Sorry for writing so much… I can't stop the flow of thoughts in my head… this is my special feature.:)

    1. Think of the fairy tale about the frog in the milk barrel. You're in that state right now. You focus too much on your own worthlessness and failures, while you should focus on opportunities. You write – almost nothing interests you. So all you need is to invest in what interests you. Without regard for all the snot, failures and ambiguities of the future.

    Everything else is completely solvable. You have a small stature and you are worried about relationships – but you don't have to like all the girls and you only need one for happiness, which is exactly yours and believe me, it is easy to find.

    Acne goes away over time, or it can be solved with a healthy diet. And all problems are solved. Except for one thing: when the fire of life goes out and motivation. Therefore, you need to ignore all the snot, look for motivation and invest completely in what you are interested in right now.

  2. Boy, you are just starting out in life and the fact that you decided to know yourself at such an early age is already a big step towards further achievements. I just want to be happy for you! If it is not difficult, then write in time about your life changes!

  3. I don't even know if my answer will be relevant after six months, I hope not, but just in case, I'll write it down. I'm terribly familiar with your condition. Therefore, I know what it is like to be in such a situation, what it is like to experience such experiences. The first thing I advise you to do is to ask yourself why you lose interest in something every time. Think about it, just try to remove the negative color from such reasoning. Second , why do you feel responsible for other people's actions (failures in particular)? Unless, if someone helps you and you do not manage to do it as you would like, will the person who helped you be completely considered guilty? Is it reasonable to assume that the final result depends only on the contribution of one unit, and not on the sum of the accompanying conditions and factors, the participation of other surrounding ones? How can one thing in the absolute affect the outcome? This is clearly beyond the realm of reality, so do not blame yourself for the affairs of your wards. Guilt itself is an insidious phenomenon. Avoid it is not necessary, but to understand the true, deep-seated reasons-yes. Remember, the feeling of constant guilt is destructive, and if you experience it even in such situations, then its roots clearly grow from destructive criticism, when you were not able to independently assess the impact of your actions on the world around you, and someone gave them excessive embellishment that biased reflected the consequences of reality.

    As for the face, I can recommend one thing: take care of yourself. There are a variety of products and treatments for skin care. Including those that are aimed at restoring the skin, lightening post-acne and everything related to the health of the skin as a whole. And this is not a “girly” topic, and not even gay, because everyone is responsible for taking care of themselves. No one will do this except ourselves. And the health of our body is a personal responsibility of a person, and the skin is, by the way, also an organ that also needs to be helped, because it is the first to come into contact with environmental factors, which means it requires more careful and regular attention, especially if there were any problems. Try to start at least with this: this is the first step of self-therapy-learning to care for and accept yourself. I write about this so confidently, because I myself had problems with deep feelings of guilt even in irrational situations, and the skin condition due to advanced dermatillomania was disgusting. In one year, there were up to ten cases when strangers stopped me on the streets, buses, shopping centers, on the first couple in my life-absolutely everywhere, and as one they asked: “Girl, what's wrong with your face?” I know from my own experience what it's like to have a face with many scars and ruined relief. I am currently looking for a specialist in cognitive behavioral therapy, because in practice, my OCD is effectively treated only with a joint CBT regimen and medications that I already take. Seeing your own reflection in the mirror is unbearably hard, and I understand your doubts about finding someone to date you. To me, this basically seems unrealistic, and I even put up with the fact that I will be a regular bachelor who has never entered into a relationship, and I'm only a day older than you =)

    A year ago, I couldn't even get out of bed for weeks on end, it was unbearably difficult to attend lectures, despite the fact that every time I had to force myself to go to school, but I didn't dare go to the office. So I was expelled before the first semester was over. This summer, I passed my exams again, entered the specialty I originally wanted to enter, and I sit as a freshman twice (although I still wonder if this makes sense?). And to sum up, I want to say that as a person of your age and a person with similar problems, I understand you and therefore I say: do not despair! Learn to understand yourself and respectfully listen to your desires, learn to appreciate your efforts, even the smallest, everyday or creative-any, this is the second step to change. And finally, the third – accept and LOVE yourself! WE are not only what we DO for ourselves, but also HOW we FEEL about what we do. Try to learn to treat your own affairs more simply and condescendingly. In your case, it definitely won't hurt. I wish you good luck!

  4. Dear Sasha, you are just in your status of 'not knowing about yourself', you don't see that everything is fine, everything is fine with you.

    In addition, everything is correct in terms of age. Perhaps it will pass by itself.

    As for the problems of appearance that you described – and why love you then? Don't even think about it – it's nonsense. Don't try to think like a woman. Women have different feelings. I can tell you, without even knowing your kind, that you are successful in this regard. The problem is ignorance and pessimism. You always have pessimism in your head. It seems to me that even if you win a million, you will think pessimistically, among other things. Like, what am I supposed to do with it now? :)))

    Open a book store about optimism!

    However, it is difficult to speed up time and reach awareness, you need someone who understands this. And not online, preferably.

    Awareness of many things. And in their qualities and in their thoughts and views, to understand yourself, to feel others, how they see you and how you see others, etc. etc.

    Optimism can also be learned and trained from books. Also books about quality, etc. Also look for a role model.

    There, of course, will be written too much, but what can you do, inner beauty requires sacrifice. In your case, the detection of available beauty comes first.

    A person rarely knows one hundred percent of their purpose. But the point is more in the process.

    First of all, it's life, it's beautiful. Swimming, boxing, studying, socializing, etc. By the way, when you wrote this, you didn't think: “I have a normal life, why am I writing this?”?

    Secondly, life is a process and you need to be content with what you have achieved and move on.

    If you have mastered swimming at some level or learned something, provided food and shelter for your wife and children (I wish you soon) – you are more like a human being than a creature without a choice, idle. This is the goal, the process, the meaning, and the satisfaction.

    Also remember that in this case, the result is not the most important thing. The main thing is effort, and the rest does not depend on us.

    There are many levels of optimism. This is great wisdom and life is not boring at all.

    I wish you don't get bored.:)

  5. Everything that you have given as arguments is biased. There are a lot of people with the same height, the same face, in the same circumstances, but they have a different mood. It's all about him, the mood, the desire. What do you want? Have you ever thought hard? I'm not a psychologist, but I do know that if you even know what you really want, then immediately there is meaning, excitement. The brain is rather primitive. If you ask it the right questions (you asked the wrong questions), it starts generating answers. If you look for clay in a pool of mud, the brain will help you find it. If you look for gold in a pool of mud, the brain will tell you that this is a stupid idea.

  6. Alexander. But from my point of view. You're all right. You just grow. You have a reassessment and rethinking of everything that was in the past. It is ok.

    (In your life, this will happen more than once, or twice, or three times)

    Your thoughts and dissatisfaction with what is there, what I would like, what was there at all…. Exactly the same as 95% of the people around you.

    (Believe me, each of them is dissatisfied with something!! Each of them gives up and a lot of things don't work out…..)

    I would recommend only one thing: Be more among people. Keep in touch. On any topic. About everything and nothing.

    PS: Sooner or later, everything passes. And this state, too, will pass.

    If you don't know where to go and what to do, your hands give up….. Then just sit on the fifth point exactly and sit. This is the best option, so as not to do any nonsense at such moments…..

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