3 Answers

  1. In popular psychology, you can often find phrases like “You just need to want to”, and the reasons for problems are explained by the thesis “You are not ready to change your life”.
    A person is told that they have no real motivation. This is followed by tips on how to get motivated through sports, hobbies, yoga, etc.

    Of course, this position causes confusion among people who experience serious difficulties, such as prolonged depression, apathy, anhedonia, abulia – and other disorders with the prefix “a -“, as a morpheme used for word formation with the meanings of negation, lack of signs, meanings embedded in the roots of words (equivalent to the prefixes “without”, “not”, for example, anorgasmia).

    Those who suffer from the disorder, for example, do not have the strength to get up, simply cook something to eat, and in principle do not want to live. What kind of sports, hobbies, work, charity are there?

    They have a question “Do psychologists even understand people who are depressed?

    To which I get a counter-question, in turn:”Aren't psychologists human?” Every person has experienced a form of depression at least once in their life. And most likely far more than once, and far more than with one form.
    No matter what kind of psychologist is a specialist or “specialist”, and if there is no professional empathy and understanding of the internal mechanisms of the disorder, then from a human point of view, he still understands the sufferer.”

    Then, logically, the following question arises :” If psychologists understand, one way or another, then why do they give such explanations in the format of a delegation of responsibility: “They say, pull yourself together”, “Forgive and forget”, “Accept and let go”, “Gather your will”, “Everything is in your hands”, as well as the hit “We need to start a new life”, if they know that the addressee of advice simply does not have the resources for this.

    After hearing such advice or reading it in another article on the Internet, the exhausted person sighs in frustration and, with doom, closes the tab, pushing back the lid of monolithic skepticism with evil sarcasm in his head:”Yes, yes, of course, a new life… I'll start right tomorrow! I'll forget all the problems stupidly overnight and in the morning I'll be as good as new! Popular psychology is such a psychology…“.

    Well, I take on the difficult responsibility of explaining this strange contradiction, as I have never seen such a necessary bridge between popular psychology and psychotherapy.

    So, I myself am not a fan of popular psychology at all. In some ways, it is harmful and I have written about it more than once, for example here. A lot of ideas are inevitably reduced, meanings are lost, and stereotypes become widespread.
    However, in today's topic, I agree with the PP in many ways, surprisingly.

    The fact is that phrases in the format “Just start a new life” is rather clumsy, they do not reveal the complexity of psychotherapy work and immediately give out an effective solution. However, in its essence, this solution corresponds to real psychotherapy practice.

    You know, it's like … here a student asks: “How do I enter a university?”, and they answer:”I need to successfully pass the entrance exams!”. In fact, it is true. No one tells him how to prepare for exams, although this is the whole difficulty. And why? Yes, because it's so easy not to answer. You need to know where they want to go, what subjects they are being examined for, their current level of training, etc. In addition, if you answer specifically with a recipe for preparation, then this will be directly preparing, and not answering the question ” What should I do?”. Do you understand?

    After all, the problem with “Just start a new life” answers is not only in the respondents, but also in the questioners, because most people ask “I don't want anything. What should I do?”, ” I'm tired of everything. Where to get energy?”, ” There are no colors of life. Help me cope.” A monosyllabic question determines a monosyllabic answer.

    More sober-minded people do not read articles on the Internet, because they understand the pure individuality of the psyche, and, consequently, that any effective method in psychotherapy is based on a personal approach and not otherwise. Therefore, objective and, of course, able to afford, immediately turn to a psychotherapist.

    I don't speak clumsily myself “Everything is in your hands“, because the simpler and more direct it is, the less it works, immediately depriving the mentally weakened person of hope. But much of what happens in the course of therapy (preparing for introductory courses by analogy), in essence, means exactly “Everything is in your hands.”
    And yes, everyone can, if they wish, prepare for the entrance exams themselves.
    Why? I'll explain.

    All the reasons that prevent a person from starting the implementation (of a psychological plan, of course) are nothing more than an internal reluctance (mental defense) formed as a result of a traumatic experience. Technically, this is unwillingness. Unwillingness to want something, strive for something, communicate, be active, etc. That is, something deep that prevents you from living fully.
    To be more precise, this is the desire to be in a depressed losing state and feel sorry for yourself unconsciously.

    But we all know that if you really want to consciously, you can force yourself to fulfill the goal. There are no barriers to mindfulness. As I already wrote , “no, I can't”, there is”I don't want to”.

    Therefore, there is no strange indefinite mystical “weakness” that a person cannot cope with. There is a lack of awareness or lack of elaboration.

    What is done in psychotherapy, roughly speaking? The symptoms are determined, the cause is found, it is realized and worked out.
    It doesn't do anything with the injury itself or the defense. We're not surgeons, and we can't make a direct intervention.
    Together, we change the attitude to a person's own impotence.
    The whole point boils down simply to detailing the question, raising awareness for many hours: “Look, there was this, the corresponding defense plus installation was formed. But this, my friend, is only a defense. It is not relevant and harms you in the present. Isn't that right? There's no reason to hold on to it. Let's let her go, honey, and … let's start a new life!”

    Do you understand?

    Nothing, in fact, absolutely nothing prevents a person from starting to behave differently, except for unconscious attitudes, BUT (!), which he can overcome by force of will.
    But he does not direct his will in this direction, because he does not know that he can regulate himself in this area. He doesn't believe that everything can be pushed aside just like that. This is too harsh, too incomprehensible, and the habit is too strong.
    That's why suggestion techniques, all sorts of esoteric teachings, fortune tellers, shamans, hypnosis, and so on work. In fact, they forcibly, through a supposedly powerful force (for example, a mystical one), replace a sharply incorrect belief and the person finally begins to act differently. AND HE SEES THE RESULTS!
    He really wants and really does.
    Although he could have done it all on his own. About this, just, the film “Always say yes” with Jim Carrey.

    In times of war or natural disasters, after all, people are mobilized and do not fall on the couch to shed tears for days on end. Because they are fiercely motivated by circumstances or, as they say, an external locus.

    Psychologists, as people who have gone through all the stages and now look at these emotional moments from a technical point of view, and in principle are able to cope with such moments with the help of awareness, phrases like “You just don't want to take responsibility. You are not ready to change your life. There is no real motivation” is exactly what they are talking about. Yes, it's not very wise and therapeutic, which is to argue, but, again, in fact, you are right.

    After all, everyone wants to be helped, at least, and even better done for him even what he has in his mind exclusively. Therefore, when he hears that he is being blamed for his own difficulties, he is indignant, upset and denies it.

    In the end, if you believe in yourself and in your willpower, then no study (therapy) is needed, but you can immediately act. Neurotic traumas and their associated defenses are highly conditional. But we tend to hold on to them and to the stereotypes that it is difficult to manage ourselves.
    That's not so. The main thing is to nurture your awareness, as always, well … free will!)

    About the illustration.
    Yes, this is a poster for the movie ” Always Say Yes.” I will analyze it a little in the context of this article. So, Karl, for a certain reason (a traumatic event), has defensive behavior with total denial. In his psyche, there is an attitude that if you do not accept any offers and do not agree to anything, then there will be no more pain (and new injuries).
    Because of this, he is extremely unpleasant, unsociable and critical.
    An adventurous friend still drags him to a self-development seminar called “Yes-a new kind of no”. Its organizer, the eccentric Terrence, offers Karl a deal: he will always say “yes” to everything in life, and his life will change for the better— but for every attempt to say “no”, fate will take cruel revenge on him.

    And Karl, immediately after leaving the seminar in an extremely deplorable state after the first “No”, believed in the mystical power of the deal.
    After that, he starts saying ” Yes ” to all the suggestions and his life changes dramatically.
    And at the end of what? Yes, yes, he will know that there was no mysticism.
    He might as well get up any morning and start saying yes to everything from that day on! By myself!

    So try to prove to me thatYou can't, and you don't want to, start a new life. Well, at least give me one reason.

  2. Obviously, to create a new personality, you need to destroy the old one, but not everything is so simple. Complete zeroing is impossible for a number of reasons, the main of which are the innate characteristics of the individual's psyche, his temperament, upbringing, sensory experience, and much more.

    You can try on a different role, just like in spy movies: change your name, create a different self, and try to match your chosen image. But will it be possible to get used to the new image in such a way as to stay in it?

    It is difficult to imagine that a person is able to constantly control behavior and thoughts at every step by willpower. There are certain factors that affect us regardless of our attitudes.

    Most likely, in the future, this approach will result in severe neurosis or depression, and the new personality will acquire very unexpected properties. Therefore, transformation is possible only by transforming oneself. This is a time-consuming process that takes years, affects all spheres of life, and requires a lot of work and resistance. Don't expect miracles right tomorrow!

    As a rule, people who want to continue life with a new personality do not come to their desire from great personal happiness, and whether such a person will have their own reserve for upgrading is still a question!

  3. do not expect that at some point you will be able to reset and start your life anew. You need to be able to live with your past mistakes and move forward, not back in time.

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