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- Why did Blaise Pascal become a religious man at the end of his life?
- How do I know if a guy likes you?
- When they say "one generation", how many do they mean?
My mentor in psychotherapy, Lyudmila Krupelnitskaya divided the types of love into: passion, love, love addiction, absolute, mature love. But what do we call love?
Love… a familiar word from childhood. Everyone understands that when you are loved, it is good, and when you are deprived of love, it is bad. Only everyone understands it in their own way. Often this word is called something that turns out to be not quite love or not at all love. With what only it is not confused…With passion, with jealousy, even with physical violence. Remember the popular wisdom: “Beats-means loves”, or another popular attempt to determine the essential signs of love: “Jealous-means loves”.
But most often it is confused with emotional dependence. Quite often, people simply put an equal sign between these concepts, reasoning something like this: “Love is, of course, an addiction, and very strong. True love implies that I can't live without a loved one. It's best if he can't do it without me.” This idea of the subject of our discussion is strongly influenced by the mythical component. Very popular among lovers of different times and ages is the myth of two halves who are scattered around the world, but must find each other and merge together. Undoubtedly, a very beautiful myth, but you need to remember that this is a myth, that is, a wonderful combination of the unconnected in real earthly life.
But in fact, the realization of such an ideal relationship remains a dream. By the way, a dream does not mean an unnecessary and useless thing. It is very necessary and very useful, because it shows us the direction of our aspirations, gives these aspirations strength, and changes our life for the better by our actions directed and strengthened by it, by the dream. But do not forget that a dream is an ideal. Every person who is at least a little familiar with the realities of a long-term relationship between lovers understands that there can be no question of any merger. Moreover, the desire for a complete merger in real life can be quite harmful for this life itself, or rather, the people who live it.
To understand our seemingly simple question, it is necessary to explore and dilute the concepts of “love”, “passion”,”falling in love”.
So, love. It's a gift. This is what a person offers to another without demanding anything in return, without insisting on accepting and using their offer. If you simply formulate the message of “pure” love, not mixed with anything else, you will get: “I love you. This is my gift to you. If you take it, it will warm you and strengthen you. You can swim in it as much as you want, as long as you like.”
Passion is another matter. This is seduction, involvement, drawing another person into the movement “in its own orbit”. A passionate seducer, radiating great energy, paralyzes the critical capabilities of the seduced person, limiting his ability to freely choose. The message of this type of relationship is: “I want to attach you to me, to possess you as a thing, property. Whether you want it or not doesn't matter. I want it so badly that you can't resist me.” As you can see, the difference with love, as we presented it above, is huge. Passion in its purest form does not leave the right to choose, it sweeps away barriers, weakens the seduced person, turning him into an object that can be completely disposed of.
But what about falling in love? It is nothing but a combination in different proportions of the first and second, love and passion. The behavior of one lover can be very different from the behavior of another. Why? Precisely because the ingredients in their infatuations are different. One is dominated by passion, the other by love. It is interesting that the extreme expression of both poles can be equally harmful for the stability and constancy of relations. Imagine a person who loves with absolutely pure love without the slightest admixture of passion, giving complete freedom to the beloved, watching in a detached way how the object of love starts and breaks relationships with others, accepts or rejects our lover… And you'll be right. Because such an ideal, pure, unadulterated love does not hold a loved one. If she did, it would be contrary to her very nature. The connection between people in this version of the relationship gradually weakens.
Now imagine the other extreme. Passion without impurities – the purest test, in full force, without the limiter in the form of love. What will happen? Nightmare and horror. The devastation is spiritual, psychological, and, by the way, physical. Be careful with such pure passion! Don't get too close. It will devour you and digest you, that is, it will kill you (sometimes not only metaphorically) if you become its object. And this, unfortunately, is not a fantasy. Lovers have been known to maim their lovers, and sometimes even kill them, driven only by a passion that they did not want to control. Then your loved ones will tell you about them: “I loved him so much that I killed (almost killed) him.” Passion keeps its object on a very short leash, that is, unlike the relationship of “pure love”, the connection between passionate lovers is quite close, even too close.
Thank God, in our real life, such pure manifestations are quite rare. Therefore, stable and stable connections arise between people, people cope with difficult and even crisis moments in their communication, and those who are particularly gifted in this regard manage to maintain relationships that are not ashamed to call love for decades.
By the way, let's find out where such craftsmen – builders of love relationships come from. Is it an innate gift or an acquired skill? To this question, of course, we must answer that these abilities are acquired in the course of life, they are acquired, and not found, happen, or are spontaneously discovered.
In youth, early youth, few people know how to love with “mature love”. This very phrase “mature love” absolutely does not fit with youth. And how can there be maturity of feelings in a young creature? Therefore, youth loves how it knows how. And she knows how to love with “immature love”, falling into emotional dependencies. There is even the term “love addiction”. In this version of the relationship, a person seems to dissolve in the object of dependence, is ready to sacrifice the most important principles for him, allows this very object to do things with him that he would never have allowed anyone before. The love addict transfers the authority to manage himself to this embedded object in his personality. Moreover, the latter is implemented, often without even suspecting it, or only suspecting it when the dependency is already formed, since it does not always set itself the goal of being implemented. It's just that the addict himself opens the doors of his soul too wide.
Especially prone to the formation of emotional addictions (as, indeed, addictions of a different nature) are people who were brought up in childhood as an idol of the family or grew up in dysfunctional families (as an option-an alcoholic family). In the first case, as a rule, the child had a very close emotional connection with one of the adults, most often with the mother. Many works of psychoanalysts are devoted to this topic. In the second case, a person gets used to experiencing stressful situations often from childhood and subsequently looks for them in adulthood.
Emotional dependence makes it possible to experience intense stress all the time. A peculiar situation is created: a person suffers and, at the same time, enjoys the emotions experienced.
In a dependent love relationship, a person treats the object of love precisely as an object. He wants to know the thoughts of a loved one, feelings, to see every step that he takes. He demands that the beloved be constantly near, fulfill all requests, constantly prove his love and loyalty. The question arises: why does he need it? The fact is that it is much easier to build relationships with the object: put it in your pocket – and order. You can also cut off sharp corners for comfort, so that they do not touch when walking. With a passive object, you will agree, it is much easier. And with a living person-a complete headache. I want to lie on the couch with him all alone, and he wants to go to a concert. What should I do about it? At the same time, he still constantly tries to communicate with other people, and I understand that this communication is dangerous-suddenly he will get carried away by someone else and leave me. That's why I want to know all his thoughts and feelings, ask him what he's thinking, and I'm even jealous of his dreams, because I don't have access to them. It's a pity. In general, it is not easy with these subjects. With objects – much easier.
Jealousy is a constant companion of immature, dependent love, love-possession. If a person is so” objectively ” related to a loved one, it is natural that he seeks to possess the object of love-dependence. And any encroachment on this object (even if it is a hint of encroachment) is met with a fierce rebuff: mine, do not approach. To protect this “mine”, a person often anticipates events: no one yet claims or encroaches, and the dependent is on guard, sees the invisible, hears the inaudible, thinks the unthinkable. For what purpose do you think? To show everyone that the guards do not sleep and protect their goods. And a jealous showdown on empty ground is nothing more than warning shots: God forbid…
But paradoxically, it happens exactly as “God forbid”, because the jealous person constantly keeps his “object” in the semantic field of infidelity. If it makes sense, it will also be a fact. Infidelity can materialize, and what can she do, so long expected. And if not, it's a lower – than-average pleasure to live listening to constant warning shots. So, of course, jealousy, if it strengthens the relationship, then not for long, if it preserves them – then only very moderate-solely on the fact of specific obvious steps to infidelity.
How do people fall into the trap of love addiction? Very simple. Initially, there is a willingness to get caught. The basis of this readiness is the neurotic need for love, which, in turn, is formed and rooted in a person in advance, usually in childhood. Then there is someone who, whether they want to or not, plays out a certain scenario that is necessary for our addict to form an addiction. This scenario involves the following scenes: such an appearance in the right place at the right time in the right situation, which “sinks into the soul” of a person who is ready for such a sinking. Next scene: purposefully or accidentally instilling hope in a future love addict for a stable emotional connection. This is followed by a scene with doubts about the reality of emotional rapprochement. Then the penultimate and last scene can be repeatedly alternated, replaced, which provides our hero with a strong emotional pendulum. It is very helpful to strengthen emotional dependence. Hope – hopelessness, confidence-doubt, etc. etc.
In cases where love addiction is mutual, mutual, at first the pendulum is not so noticeable. Both have the impression that they are at the height of bliss. The pendulum makes itself felt a little later, when reality makes its own adjustments, and the lover discovers that the beloved cannot or does not want to devote himself completely to him.
Another true companion of love addiction is self – deception. Since the main value of an addict is the experience of specific pleasant emotions from owning an object of addiction, he deceives himself in every possible way in cases when it is obvious to an outsider sober look that they do not like him and are not going to develop a relationship with him. Because the truth is not consistent with experiencing these pleasant emotions. So much the worse for the truth. They push it to the back of their minds and do their best to ignore it. Although the truth is still moving somewhere in the depths from time to time, and this causes some vague inexplicable anxiety.
One way or another, when an addiction is formed, a person in many of his manifestations is greatly changed. These changes are noticed by relatives, friends, and relatives, and sometimes they try to help. Someone jokingly, and someone seriously, not without reason, calls the state of a lover a disease. So it is, in fact, and is.
Let us now turn to the” advanced ” form of love – the mature one. Mature individuals can love with mature love. Moreover, the relationship with age is not always direct. Sometimes the maturity of feelings is demonstrated by twenty-year-olds, and sometimes in 40-50 years a person builds relationships according to the dependent type. Mature love requires nurturing feelings. And they are brought up in the storms of life, provided that a person comes out of these storms with a new experience, with a different view of the world and of himself in it.
What is mature love? Does it exist in real life? Or maybe this is an unattainable ideal that is not realized in our earthly life?
Let's immediately list what exactly is not present in this form of love. First, it is love without jealousy. Secondly, without restrictions on the freedom of the loved one. Third, without using your loved one for your own purposes, that is, without manipulations of any kind (for example, “If you love me, then you won't go to football and leave me alone”).
And now we will determine what are the mandatory signs of mature love. This is, first of all, compliance with the” state ” borders of each other's personalities, that is, the absence of type requirements.: “You should spend this evening with me because I love you”, “Stop talking to your friends”, etc.
In addition, it is a trust that is simply there, without proof. This is a developing, creative relationship, because only in freedom and joy can the development and birth of a new one take place. This is a relationship that is emotionally stable: without tantrums, remorse, or assurances of eternal love (assurances are not needed at all in this form of love), but, nevertheless, permanent, warm and reliable, since there is no room for lies in them. Loyalty exists as long as the relationship itself exists. It doesn't make any sense to convince people of it. If there is no love – there will be no point in talking about loyalty.
That's how it is-mature love. Have you seen this one? If not, do not be surprised, because it is much less common than love-addiction. Ask – why? Yes, because mature love is the result of spiritual and, if you will, spiritual work. And as we know, few people like to work. Especially in the field of human relations. It is much easier to allow yourself to go with the flow, fall passionately in love, arrange periodic scandals over time, put up with something, demand something, manipulate, and, having cooled down, just live your own life or start new relationships that will develop according to the same scenario. There is an assumption (psychotherapist Vladimir Zavyalov) that love addiction is a defense against mature love, that is, not everyone wants to get into this “mature area”. Who knows?
So it's up to you to choose: nurture your feelings or leave them young, green and immature.
And in the end, if you have the impression that you and I know almost everything about love, it remains only to recall the definition that the philosopher Alexey Losev gave to the subject of our argument.: “Love is the secret of two.” Just like that. Comments, as they say, are unnecessary.
This is the epigraph for the book “Lessons of love“.
If a person or society has stopped understanding what love is, it does not mean that love does not exist.
Love is only one word. And love itself is different.
The ancient Greeks-they liked to divide and classify everything, invent new words. Therefore, to define different types of love, we will use the Greek language .There is a passionate love, this is the love of a man and a woman ( the Greek name is eros), friendly love (phileo), love for relatives or attachment to something (storge) and sublime love (agape).
Love eros, as a rule, quickly flares up and depends on the external attractiveness of the second party. And if suddenly the beauty that attracted you disappears, there will be no trace of love left. Or if someone prettier appears – the same result.
Phileo's love does not arise so quickly, it is based on the positive qualities of a person, it is more durable. It is not based on appearance, but if a person acts badly, and even in relation to us, and even more than once – then there may not be a trace of friendly love left.
Love for relatives (storge) is much less dependent on external conditions (we all know stories when mothers of homicidal maniacs love them to the last and take care of them, do not want to believe in the justice of the sentence). Such love is very strong, but it is often blind, people do not want to see the true nature of their relatives, justify them. But sometimes this kind of love doesn't work, it's just not developed in people (think mothers who give up their children, or children who take their parents to a nursing home, even though they have the opportunity to look after them).
Agape love is a love that does not depend on appearance or actions, this love is unconditional. She is selfless, that is, she does not need anything. He wants only the best for the one he loves, but she is not blind. Sees the shortcomings and weaknesses of the character, but forgives and understands them, makes every effort to help your loved one become a better person. Such love is supernatural and comes only from God, but it is real.
If I speak with the tongues of men and angels, but have no love, I am a clanging brass or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries, and have all knowledge and all faith, so that I can move mountains, but do not have love, then I am nothing.
And if I give away all that I have, and give my body to be burned, and have no love, it profiteth me nothing.
Love is long-suffering, merciful, love does not envy, love does not exalt itself, is not proud,
he does not act out, does not seek his own, does not get annoyed, does not think evil,
he does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
covers everything, believes everything, hopes everything, endures everything.
Love never ceases, though prophecies will cease, and tongues will be silenced, and knowledge will cease.
And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love; but love is the greater of them.
(Letter of the Apostle Paul to 1 Corinthians 13: 1-8, 13)
Of course – not all people are indifferent to all others, although there are also such people.
13: 4-8 we see what love is and how it manifests itself: “Love is long-suffering, merciful, love does not envy, love does not exalt itself, is not proud, does not behave outrageously, does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not think evil, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ceases, though prophecies will cease, and tongues will be silenced, and knowledge will be abolished.”
That is, in essence, love is a combination of long-suffering, mercy, simplicity, harmony, calmness, kindness, trust, and hope. This is if we talk about love in a broad sense (about love for nature, for life, that is, just about the love in your heart as a whole).
In a narrower sense, love is all of the above + sympathy + emotional attachment (+sexual attraction, if we are talking about romantic love) to a particular person.
This is my understanding of love 🙂