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Mmmm… Now I ask your forgiveness, I write with absolute respect to you. But you can't be more precise. On active duty, when a soldier sadly informs his colleagues that he has a belt, for example, sleep..or, the answer honed by generations of fighters: “Do not sleep at your place..or, what are you talking about..al!”
Intelligently about the same thing: taking responsibility for what happens to you in a relationship.
Well, here's the family. The husband has been working in another city for several years, transferring money to his wife and children and coming back for a short time. They end up in the psychologist's office because they have a husband! “you won't believe it! “who would have expected that? “there was a sexual relationship with someone in that other city, and it came out. You understand: there is a lot of sympathy for a woman, but-it turned out, she really did not even think that such a thing was possible! Her world had collapsed. Well, what's her advice? Perhaps, when creating a relationship, take into account that the risks of sex on the side, sooner or later, are there, and when you accept such a lifestyle, these risks grow almost to an indispensable event.
You feel betrayed when you think you're “owed.” You have to do something there, and if you do your duty right, the person will also do the duty you think they owe you.
Well … you see, it's not vital. It doesn't work that way. On the contrary, as soon as you start thinking that people owe you something, you owe them something, you automatically fly into the “Karpman triangle”, Savior-Victim-Executioner, and there periodically the feeling of being used is one of the obligatory, marker feelings. If you are experiencing it , this is a sign that you have fallen into a “triangle”.
In short, the answer to your question is “the whole system needs to be changed.” No one owes anyone anything. People don't have to behave according to my fantasies about them. Any trust carries risks. This is freedom: to decide whether to trust or not to trust. And responsibility: ANY choice you make has pros and cons; responsibility means not blaming anyone when you face the disadvantages inherent in YOUR choice.
Risks can be realized. This does not mean that you should not trust. But when an event occurs, it is not a question of “guilt”to ask yourself: who is to blame? – This is the question ” who is bad?” – And the question of responsibility is the question: “what to do?”
I'm looking at it now: the explanations turn out to be somewhat pretentious. It seems that it is necessary either in detail,or as in the first paragraph. Well, as far as I could in TheQuestion format…
However, what do I have to lose? There is interest – here is one of the short articles that I wrote in social networks about the “triangle” – and the use that is also mentioned in your question:
Guilt, Righteousness, and other symptoms
Karpman's Triangle: Savior-Victim-Executioner (Persecutor)
One of the great practical models created by the school of transactional analysis, along with the famous “I am OK-you are OK” and so on.
Its essence: acting in relation to another person (organization, etc.) out of a sense of duty, we start a cyclical mutual change of roles. Starting to save (precisely out of a sense of duty), with the highest probability you get consistently into subsequent roles. And again: with the same or already with new partners. Why this is so, the mechanism itself and what to do – we will discuss at the “Confidence Training” and the “Conflict: how to find a common solution” training.
Knowing the model itself doesn't guarantee that you don't get involved in these games every now and then. Yes, there are rules that prevent and protect you from these “second-order psychological games”. But I am neither some buddha who lives in constant awareness, nor a suspiciously alert paranoid person. So from time to time I say something in hindsight. Or-more often – missed an attempt to play with me together, those very correct settings automatically worked. Or-oh, I'm in the game – well, like a boy!))
There is nothing terrible here, the main thing is to really quickly realize that you are included in the steps along the triangle, and quickly jump out.
And the marker here, when you are inside the situation, is feelings.
It looks like strong,” pure ” (unalloyed to the point of unnaturalness) feelings plus their switching (“dramatic twists and turns”) – basic cheese and honey of this trap.
Many people confuse this compote with the fullness of life and love: what-what, and there are a lot of passions here. – Ah, Dom-2, of course!))
So: I'm only superficially familiar with transit analysis, I probably invented a bicycle for myself, so I'm not writing to a scientific journal.
True instant signals that you are in trouble, you need to “wake up”, recognize the game (the alignment of roles right now) and immediately exit it.
Why also – “Dramatic Triangle”.
I myself am very inclined to enter the triangle as a Savior at this point.
Therefore –
three rules for” non-game ” help.
If at least one of these three conditions is not met , you are in the game.
You can-why not – but be prepared for an intriguing and “unexpected” role reversal. – I am for the fact that you can do everything if you understand why you are doing it)
To summarize:
“Karpman's triangle” is an extremely common variant of manipulative psychological games, in which participants do not even realize “what turns them so much”.
There are four marker senses that – hooray! – allow “in the moment” to recognize that you are in the game. And then quickly navigate and get out. This is guilt, righteousness, being used, an irresistible desire to help “how-to-do-otherwise-do”.
All this does not mean that people “do not need” to help. But there are three conditions for non-player assistance. If at least one of them is broken – you are in the game. This is also possible, but at least understand what you are doing with your own hands – and take responsibility for the consequences.
I think all the advice here will be a little missed, because we don't pull other people's experience on ourselves as well as we would like.
But maybe you'll feel better if you think about the nature of manipulation. It seems to me that we are so used to the construction of “manipulation is bad” that we have completely stopped criticizing it and generally reflecting on it.
It seems to me that manipulation is primarily natural. This is what we do to each other all the time and for different purposes and in different ways. Let's think about whether it is reprehensible in itself to want another person to do something or not to do it.
When parents promise to buy us a bicycle for fives in a quarter , this is manipulation, but does anyone suffer from it? Or when your partner asks you to help him / her with a job by scratching your head? This, of course, is also manipulation, but did anyone get hurt?
Yes, for God's sake, politeness itself is manipulation, because we are polite to others so that they do our own way: at least they were polite to us!
In general, I'm all about the fact that the very fact that people use each other is commonplace and normal, and, as it seems to me, completely devoid of tragedy.
Whatever it is, it is soothing (and at the same time frightening) the fact that time exposes everything to faceting. Just as water smooths out the sharp edges of a piece of glass or stone, so the current time slowly makes our experience and our memory more and more streamlined, smooth and devoid of sharp corners. Both joys and sorrows are muted sooner or later and remain in our memory as a priceless experience.
Here, I will share with you one of my favorite jokes:
I thought love, but no-again experience!
The classic of the genre-Karpman's Triangle-has already been mentioned. The word “awareness”is interesting in the question. Not “sensation” or “impression”, but “awareness”. But is it true? Is it true that the process of awareness has taken place? And is it true that someone really / really had the intention to betray/use? After all, we sometimes really “see things”.
Here is some material from transactional analysis that may also come in handy. Here we talk about anger/annoyance, but in this case, we “substitute” instead of anger/annoyance the feeling experienced by the person who was betrayed/used (if it is not anger) and conduct research according to the proposed algorithm – this can help to “cope with it with dignity”.
Think back now – when was the last time you felt angry? Here anger is resentment, irritation, aggression, anger, affect. It is possible that during what happened, you expressed your anger in such a way that there were some non-ecological (unsafe) consequences for you or for the person you directed your anger at. You may have coped with the situation and your feelings, but, as they say, “the sediment remained”. You need to remember the case well, you will “train” on it 🙂 Everything below should be studied using your specific example. Remember?
I'm an adult: “What's wrong with you?”
I am angry: “I am angry!”
Sometimes it is quite difficult to name a phenomenon as it is called and admit to yourself in your own anger, however, it is useful to do this. So:
I'm an adult: “What's wrong with you?”
I am angry: “I am angry!”
I'm an adult: “Who are you mad at?”
I'm angry: “I'm angry at (…)”
I'm an adult: “When in what situation, after what did you get angry at (…)?”
I'm angry: “I got angry after he (…)”
I am an adult: “Neither the situation nor the other person can make us feel, think, or do anything specific. I assume that there is nothing wrong with this person (who caused my anger). He didn't want to hurt me. He is not the real reason for my anger.”
I am angry: “Now I will find the cause of my anger-an unsolved problem. I probably either:
A) failed to protect themselves, their interests, and their dignity. Maybe because I didn't realize my rights? Or don't I know how to talk about them?
B) didn't tell you about your needs. Maybe because I didn't realize my needs in this situation? Or was I afraid to say something about them, because I think my needs are “out of order” and “something is wrong with them?” or my needs simply don't exist?
C) did not clearly state your needs. Not in the language of this particular person and so that they can hear me. Is it because I believe that other people have an obligation to understand and recognize my needs and my language?
(I'll give you an example here. A married couple comes to the office of a family psychologist. The wife in anger says that her husband does not pay attention to her. Husband: “I give you expensive gifts for each of our memorable dates! How can you claim that I don't pay attention to you!” In conversations with a psychologist, it turned out that for a wife, “paying attention” means “putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher after dinner,” and not giving expensive gifts for every memorable date.)
D) I didn't agree with the person about what I expect from them. Maybe because I do not know how to negotiate and conclude contracts? Or am I not willing to make compromises because I believe that other people are obligated to do what I want and nothing else?
E) did not make him (that person) promise to do what we agreed. Maybe because I don't take myself seriously? I don't think I have any needs?
F) I do not leave a relationship where I have done everything, and the other person continues to do things that are not acceptable to me, despite their promises. Maybe because I don't respect myself?
I'm an adult: “I needed… (to realize and formulate my need in the case that you are currently analyzing).”
I am an adult: “What should I have done then (in the case that you are currently analyzing) tell that person to satisfy their need?” The request should be formulated in the format “Everything is fine with me and everything is fine with that person”. If we formulate our requests based on the fact that the other person is a “fool” or a “cad”, then this is exactly what he will do.
Resume:
Know your rights.
Talk about your rights.
Know your needs.
Talk about your needs.
Talk about your rights and needs in a language that your partner understands.
Learn how to negotiate and sign contracts.
Be able to take and make promises.
End the relationship, not end it.
Formulate signs that the relationship is truly over.