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If a person complains, it means that they consider you close enough to talk about their weaknesses. It may not have enough internal resources to deal with problems, and it is looking for external sources of resources. It is better to communicate honestly and directly. For example, say, ” I can help you with this, but I can't help you with this.” If the question is repeated, you can say: “We seem to have already found out all about this last time.” It is also useful to provoke a person to develop independent actions. For example, to say: “If I were you, I would do this, but you know better how to manage your life.” It is also useful to praise people. Get their attention when they're dealing with problems. For example, to say: “Here you see how you clearly and competently decided everything, you just worried in vain.” Or: “You remember the last time you beautifully decided something, so now also try to come up with something.” Then the person will gradually learn to experience satisfaction from solving problems, and more often will try to solve them independently. And then he will come to you next time, not to share the suffering, but to rejoice together.
The person complains.
What kind of relationship do you want with this person?
Are you in the same company, the relationship may not be close, “at a social distance”?
If so, a polite “I'm sorry” and moving the topic of conversation to a topic that interests you may be enough.
Of course, I wonder what you have in response to her complaints, why you want to avoid, not to hear these complaints.
But I will not advise you to run to a psychologist; -)
Maybe you just need to answer these questions for something to change.
In fact, our opinion is that this is a “victim” of circumstances, love, chronic failures and much more. In fact, “not everything is so bad” is just an advantageous position of SELF-JUSTIFICATION. Someone is to blame, and so it is possible to hang responsibility for all failures in business, work, personal life, business . This is how they now say “toxic people”, who, like energy vampires, suck out your vital energy and strength. Limit communication with this category of people , but if they are relatives or superiors , then build personal boundaries, refusing to participate in discussions on unpleasant topics, postpone your meeting to other dates, do not stay alone with such a person , move the topic of conversation to a more neutral one , return the question to him ( What did you do yourself to solve a specific issue?).
If this is a dear person or relative, please contact a psychologist for help to work out these issues and problems .
First, understand why you are communicating with them?
What do you get out of talking to someone you don't like?
There is such a concept in psychology – the Karpman Triangle-it describes models of interaction between people, in which there are 3 roles: rescuer, pursuer (aggressor) and victim. Moreover, the triangle is very mobile (it rotates), and the roles are constantly changing.
A person who constantly complains is, of course, such a victim of circumstances and the injustice of the outside world, which in this case is the persecutor. However, clearly the “victim” will never admit it. And you take on the role of a “lifeguard”. When you show leniency, you run the risk of becoming an aggressor, because no one likes being made pathetic and genuinely sympathetic, and immediately the victim begins to take offense at being disabled, and she becomes the aggressor, and you are the victim.
In such relationships, you can often feel guilty that you have some good changes in your life, some well-being and success. As a result of these manipulations, you can easily gradually lose your confidence, respect, energy, and start, out of a desire to support your friend, to remember your difficulties, failures, and situations in which something did not work out (to show that you are not only doing well, but that there are also difficulties, so that it is not so painful for him to hear about good luck).
To resolve this situation, it can be helpful to realize that you have been dragged into this game.
If you're ready to stop playing it, try answering the following questions::
Why do I need this person?
What do I get out of this communication?
how would I like to communicate with him?
to what extent is it possible to implement the desired form of communication?
Am I willing to spend my energy solving another person's problem?
At this point, you can also think about whether it is necessary to break off relations with this person? Because it can be a close relative, husband(wife), partner, or child. Here it is important to understand that this person is trying to take responsibility for your life on you. Can you do it? Is this person able to take responsibility on their own (this is an adult, independent, healthy, capable person)?
If there is no possibility to break off the relationship, you can build a dialogue like this:
tell me, how can I help you – specifically?
what are you willing to do yourself?
And recommend him to find a good specialist psychologist.
You know, there are no people who would never share their troubles with others, this is not the question. The main thing is the purpose of the complaint?
If someone complains to you to ask for advice, then you are a real friend for this person, who is trusted and an authority !
And if this is a way of communication, when you just silently listen to someone's complaints, then you are a “toilet” in which they defecate all sorts of shit.
You need to analyze this from the very beginning of the conversation and decide FOR YOURSELF-do you need it or not?
The Bible has some great advice:
….But avoid foolish contests and genealogies, and disputes and quarrels about the law, for they are useless and vain. Turn away from the heretic after the first and second admonitions, knowing that such a person has become corrupt and is sinning, being self-condemned….
Of course, here we are talking about religious disputes, the difference between which and human ones is just a topic of conversation.
So, if we use God's advice in human life, replacing the word heretic (this is a person who condemns and does not agree with God) with a complainer, then we understand that to prove something to such a person is NONSENSE!
Further, we see that his worldview is built on condemnation, because it seems to him that everyone is judging him. It is for this reason that he does not want, like a heretic, to understand his problem and himself, but looks for the problem in others, whitewashing himself, and denigrating others, in order to also hear approval from those who listen to him , for SELF-AFFIRMATION! This is what a” small”, not self-sufficient, unhappy little man does!
That's all!
How do I know that ? I'm not a psychologist !
Yes, I was like that myself. And people ran away from me like the plague!
Who wants to feel like a 'toilet bowl'?