5 Answers

  1. Good day!
    The question is taken out of the general context of the relationship history. I will tell you in general about the insults and actions in such situations.

    Why else did the ancients say that offenses should be forgiven? Resentment is when the result you wanted differs from reality. Always, it doesn't happen any other way. First, it deprives you of integrity, you need to understand that you give part of the management of your life to resentment and the person you are offended by. Second, you give resentment your resource, part of the energy and feelings. It anchors you in the past, anchoring you to it, and hinders you from moving forward. You can now understand why psychologists first look for children's traumatic grievances.

    The grievances that led to the breakup of relationships are very deep and they need to be forgiven, the sooner the better. It is important to understand the situation of parting. If you are abandoned and you are offended by the person for leaving. You need to remove the offense and understand that the other person has his own will and can do, conditionally, anything. And that's it. In this situation, you can only wait. Relationships can only be returned by the person who abandoned them.

    If you abandoned a person as a result of resentment. This usually happens when a person commits a serious offense. We forgive the offense in any case, we must collect the broken self into a single whole! Getting back is a bit more difficult. The person's apology should satisfy you. If the offense was serious, you need to understand that the person is ready to sacrifice, give you part of their territory in the relationship. Yes, you have to pay for your misdeeds. The greater the offense, the more territory the partner should be willing to give up. Here attention, it is ready. That is why the return should not be conditioned. Conditions-an attempt to change a person directly, an admission that the result depends on him and not on you. You understand, all the same transfer of control. Another point why resentment should be fully forgiven and worked out, when the partner forgives, the relationship is restored, but he continues to reproach the partner for his misdeed. “And here you are… so I” and this is our favorite transfer of control. Such relationships will not be eco-friendly.

    That is, if you acted as a quitter, were able to restore yourself and forgive the offense, as a quitter, you can return the relationship and such relationships can be healthy.

    These are the general principles of dealing with grievances and elements of restoring relationships. I talk about this in more depth at my consultation and in the vk group. Ask questions and submit your stories for review.


    Good luck to you!

  2. Forgiveness-from the word “simplification”. To forgive is to “simplify” the situation by removing the emotional potential that irritates you, and explaining it to yourself in extremely simple words, no matter how cynical they may seem to you.�

    Example:�”He cheated on me. This happened because not everyone is able to restrain their own emotional and sexual impulses in the name of moral considerations. He wasn't able to.” That's it, period. You have forgiven me.�

    Therefore, you should always forgive everyone, because forgiveness is an internal psychological act that saves you from suffering and emotions. Forgiveness is necessary first and foremost for you, and if you are persistently and sincerely asked for it by the abuser, then the one who asks for it should also be given.

    The external consequences of forgiveness, including the decision to punish the offender, are dictated not by the fact of forgiveness itself, but by purely rational considerations for the future.

    Therefore, having already forgiven, you will be able to calmly and deliberately make a rational decision.: “Kill this brute”, “Break up forever”, “Stay and continue to trust”, “Stay and control every step” – there are plenty of options… )

    In the Hollywood film “Dogma” there is a wonderful illustrative episode: a fallen angel performed by Ben Affleck tearfully asks for forgiveness from a female God, who sincerely grants it, bringing the hero visible relief, and then rips off his head – for the future, so to speak…)

  3. It depends on what that person has done and how it fits into your value system.

    Keep in mind that most people don't change, relationships are the work of two people. If one has changed and the other has not, then there are several options:

    1. the second one changes

    2. degrades the first one (and then all your problems come back from past relationships)

    3. you're breaking up because you've become too different.

  4. Good afternoon!

    To understand whether to forgive and return, you need to answer the question: How valuable are these relationships to me?

    And think again:

    • What I got(a) from this relationship?
    • Were these relationships resource-rich and fulfilling for me?
    • Was I happy in this relationship?

    Relationships are always interactions between people. When everyone gives something and gets something in return, and not just one:)

    Next: the relationship was broken off for what reason?

    • If you return the relationship, is it certain that something will change and this reason will not appear again?
    • This reason is due to external circumstances that cannot be changed (for example, you live on different continents), or it is an internal reason-in one of the partners.(for example, the partner behaves inappropriately when taking alcohol, may raise his hand)
    • Can this reason be objectively and realistically changed? And if it is possible – is it really possible, are you not in your illusions?

    A person is able to build out scenarios and make forecasts for the future. Think about it: if you return the relationship, how will things develop? Do you see yourself with this person in the future? Is it possible to imagine this joint future?

    Try to answer these questions honestly and you will understand what to do. May everything turn out well for you! Check out my blog in insta and Telegram channel, there is a lot of useful information on topics of interest to you!

  5. About..
    Well, it's not hard.

    First, ask yourself why that situation hurt or hurt you so much.

    Then – how will you react if it happens again? after all, what happened can happen again.

    The next question is: why do I return it? that is, if the relationship is so valuable and important, then why the hell did it fall apart? Ah, the man behaved badly?.. if there is such love, then it was logical to forgive him then.

    If then they did not forgive, and the next day and the next day-so after all, the love was not so great.
    some time passed and suddenly it seemed to you that now you have a bad life.

    In general, it doesn't add up. Or, you tend to break off relationships of any importance if “on emotions”.

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