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- When they say "one generation", how many do they mean?
When I say that people have relationships, I usually mean that:
They have a zone of shared intimacy. It doesn't necessarily include sex (although it most often does), it's more about the fact that they have their own way of very personal communication, which they share with each other, and with other people-to a lesser extent or just in a very different way. This can include tactility, your own way of “sharing emotions,” jokes, small personal games, shared eating habits, ” and so on. This is usually noticeable from the outside, unless people are trying to hide the relationship completely. Couples who, in my opinion, have some problems with borders, do not get out of the state of joint intimacy at all, hence all these jokes about crazy diminutive nicknames and all that stuff.
They have joint plans and mutual commitments. Usually, in such a relationship, there is at least one commitment, which is rarely spoken out, and is taken for granted by most people. It should sound something like ” the relationship continues until it is stated otherwise.” That is, you can not just stop communicating with a person, you need to “throw” a person, that is, bring to his attention that the relationship is over. People who don't do this or do something wrong are usually judged. In general, all changes in distance in very close relationships are perceived much more acutely-take for example how many copies are broken around the concept of a” pause in the relationship ” or the question of the emotional significance of marriage.
In addition, in a couple, some part of the social obligations to other people becomes common. This works in two ways, sometimes it makes them easier – “we give you this gift from both of us”, sometimes vice versa “- for example, it may be “necessary” to communicate with the partner's relatives and go to their holidays, even if this is not the most pleasant way to spend the weekend.
I would also like to note that I do not see a big and fundamental difference between a love relationship and a very close friendship-they work according to rather similar patterns, and closeness is always closeness; and the difference that exists for me is rather due to well-established traditions. In many cases, in our time of closed social contracts, they make life more difficult than easier, as I think. However, by default, for some reason, it is assumed that relationships with the stamp “love” are always more important than friendly ones, even if the first one is one day, and the second one is ten years old, that obligations to a love partner weaken or cancel friendly ones, and in general, you can do a lot of things in friendly ones that you can't do in love ones, in particular,
First, a relationship is a union, think of it as one team. If people on this team “play” against each other, they will probably lose both of them. And if they join forces for some joint goals, then it is obvious that these people are likely to remain both in the black. So the relationship is not “I, I, I”, but it is “we”. Well, if you want, then this is a combination of forces in some common good.
Secondly, a relationship is something where both people are comfortable to be present.
And to do this, you must always understand each other's needs, which also change frequently throughout the relationship. Moreover, I believe that even in the most ideal relationships, it is almost impossible to fulfill all the needs of each other. But if most of it is done, it's cool. What are your needs? Yes, they can be different, it really depends on specific people. 🙂 The need for a delicious borscht, the need for help in gaining self-confidence, the need for care and affection, the need for romance, etc.
Third, relationships are in any case about relaxation and trust. Not where you're a bundle of nerves with a twitching eye from a nervous tic. 🙂 This is stability.
Fourth, it is awareness. You know what you're doing here and you want to be here consciously. No one is holding you, forcing you, etc. You're here of your own free will. And not by accident. 🙂
In my opinion, a romantic relationship is primarily a partial psychological fusion and dissolution of boundaries. Much less than between a mother and a small child, but more (or rather, more stable) than in any friendship.
The well-being of another person (emotional, material, physical), the realization of their goals and plans in various areas, become almost as important as their own. At some points, it becomes difficult to separate where your interests end and your partner's interests begin.
It's like an endless situation of giving a well-thought-out, valuable gift to a dear friend: who needs the gift to be given more? As a gift giver, do you need to get the other person's gratitude, emotions in return, strengthen relationships, and enjoy watching them tinker with a new toy? Or to the giver, because it is the thing that he has long wanted? And do you carefully calculate the debit and credit of your debt to each other at the moment of choosing a gift, or do you just feel excited about it?
Although please note: a gift, if the situation is healthy and calm, is not something that your friend absolutely cannot survive without, and it is not something for which you give a critical amount of your resources, remaining in poverty on the verge of death, and not a magic wand that solves all his problems or turns him into an ideal person. Sometimes we expect from our partner (or are afraid that they will expect from us) exactly what he will take away all our problems, give us all his resources and, of course, as in some ancient legend, even sacrifice his life. Or we expect that we will give him all our love in one fell swoop, the last shirt, and he will immediately hit the ground, turn around, and turn into a beautiful prince. So, “expectations are so terrible, not realizable” and rarely lead to something good.�
We have a budget of money and time to search for a gift for even the dearest friend, and a budget for a partner, too. Limited, but quite large relative to our other “expense items”. The interests of the partner and maintaining a relationship with them are at some high place in the list of priorities. We don't sacrifice our lives to buy his favorite apples, but we deny ourselves a new gadget because we want to help pay his extortionate dental bill and wonder if we should take a job in a new city that will make us see less of each other.
There is no relationship if the priority of their existence and the partner's well-being is much lower than the priority of work, family relations (for adults with legal capacity), self-development, or personal pleasure. If the partner's energy, time, and money are spent exclusively on the residual principle.
There is no relationship even when they are built exclusively on the principle of instant mutual exchange in a tough scenario: “I allocated time for you, paid for flowers, so we will have sex. If you're sick, fine, I'll wait until you're well enough to call you back another day.”
Although it is impossible to maintain relationships for a long time if the feeling of merging does not come automatically, “from the heart” (or rather “from hormones”), they are still supported by social regulations and agreements.Обращение Appeal to social standards�(love – get married, you can't love two people at the same time, loves – gives gifts, loves-cooks borscht)и and agreements are a way to “compare dictionaries”, to reach a common understanding of what we expect from each other, what guarantees we get, what we exchange in what areas, where we rely on others, where we look back and where we act alone, what priorities we set. Relationships can also be built in a couple where there is no common budget, place of residence, children, or exclusivity of sexual partnership, based only on “most often I will prefer your interests to those of others”.Если If both people consider this form of отношений relationship to be a relationship and attach equal importance to it.�
A problem with relationships is if the partners categorically disagree about the normal “amount of contribution to the relationship”and cannot resolve this discrepancy. �
Another characteristic aspect of relationships is the presence of dynamics, goals and plans for the development of the relationship itself. It's not necessarily a strict schedule, signed in blood, in which everyone promises when and how you will get married, how many children there will be, and what the mortgage amount will be. “We are looking at each other for the next six months to see if we want to move into the cohabitation phase” – this is also a good plan. “We keep our relationships and related aspects of life (place of residence, matrimonial status) unchanged until the next acute love of one of the participants, then we break up” is also a normal plan, if everyone is informed and agrees. �
The problem with relationship dynamics is “no, I can't marry you, that time hasn't come yet, and I don't know when it will come, and I don't know what needs to happen for it to come, but in general I would, yes, of course, probably would like to.”
The question is quite interesting, as for me the relationship in any plan, it is still a relationship. People relate to each other in a certain way, for clarity, imagine the best friend, in the person of the opposite sex, with whom you are pleased to be close, to whom you will be attentive, you will do pleasant things for her, say pleasant words. Perhaps if everything is so, then you should meet more often with this person, this is so to speak the initial relationship, kissing, walking, socializing, visiting cultural places. Intimacy both physical and spiritual, and preferably both together, this can be said to be a more serious relationship. Cohabitation, marriage, mutual understanding in matters of living together, marriage, this is already a serious relationship. I would also like to highlight the relationship, after several years of living together in marriage, this is already a very serious relationship. I may not be a big expert on this issue, but I wanted to help you understand.
When both have chosen each other to work together. Have you decided who is who to whom? If it is not a polyamorous relationship, then it excludes other relationships. For me, this is important if we are moving to the stage of our joint relationship with our partner. Of course, we decide on the form. For example, while we go on dates, sometimes wakes up together. If everything fits, we decide to live together. We develop relationships and ourselves in them. Intermediate agreements are very important to me. Who when with whom, if we live together on what terms, etc.