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Jealousy is an extremely destructive feeling. And if it is pathological, it turns the life of both partners into a real hell. Why is this happening? What causes feelings of jealousy? Does it always have some basis? Let's put everything on the shelves.
• Too low self-esteem. This is the most common cause of jealousy – a partner who is jealous is just not sure of themselves. It seems to him that the other half is constantly busy looking for someone better.
• Distrust. Perhaps one of the partners gave the other reasons for jealousy, lied about their pastime, did not say that they met with friends, girlfriends, etc.
* The desire to bind a person to yourself as much as possible, to make him your property. The jealous person wants the other half to devote all their time and attention exclusively to him.
• Own desire to go “to the left”. If a person has a desire to cheat or even flirt with someone, they will subconsciously project these thoughts onto their partner.
Regardless of the reason, jealousy slowly and surely destroys the relationship. At the first sign of it, you need to discuss the problem, look for ways to solve it, and get rid of trigger factors.
Primarily because of their fear of loss. The concepts of loss can be very different. Someone is afraid of losing their status (“what will they say about me if my wife goes to pubs without me), losing control (“first the skirt is short, and then she will get a job at all”), losing benefits (“you know what women are now – predators will immediately take them away”), losing genetic reproduction (“No one can trace….and the trace of a man in a woman” (C) “you will raise a stranger and you will not even recognize”), loss of pleasure from the company and closeness of a person (” I can not be happy without him”), comfort (“he will start comparing and choose someone better”, etc.
Fears are always born out of irrational thoughts and, if you will, inner need (” I'm not so good, I can't be happy without it, he has a car, but I don't, others are better than me, I won't find one again, I'm lucky with him”, etc.), in other words, a low assessment of my value. It is highly fueled by jealousy and intolerance of discomfort (” if she leaves, it will hurt me so much, but it shouldn't hurt me”), including the discomfort of building up various “muscles” to win comparisons. For example, you can make yourself richer, more beautiful, and more attractive in the areas where you are most sensitive. But this will happen through effort, labor, time and energy costs – in general, again discomfort. And it is easier to require your partner to perform certain behaviors that will calm the jealous person down.
A jealous person does not live with a specific person, but lives with his own need and the image of a partner. How the partner actually behaves is usually not very important, the jealous person will still proceed from the depth of their need and the magnitude of their fear.
All this together gives rise to behavior that is called jealous, and which in most cases degenerates the relationship, accelerating their breakup or transition to a pathological state.
From the point of view of evolution, jealousy is a mechanism for protecting the genetic investment.
Instead of cheating, there can be any “signals” symbolizing the possibility of cheating: correspondence, like, looked away, etc.:))
By itself, the feeling of jealousy (like others) is normal. To demonize it and say that it is a terrible horror, I think, is unwise.
Problems begin when a jealous person does not want to understand himself, the reasons for his jealousy, but blames the partner, tries to control him, etc.
The question is very deep and extensive. But if you try to answer succinctly and philosophically, then we get jealous because we start to get attached to something that is not ours, and when we start to lose it, we get terribly upset.
Look at the children. This is a good example. Adults experience the same emotions as children, but unlike children, they give it a very serious and heartwarming color. Vova and Masha play in the sandbox. They've been friends for a long time. Masha loves Vovochka. But then Dashenka comes and starts playing with Vovochka. Masha is very angry, because now Vovochka does not play with her! And who is this Dasha? Where did it come from?! She must be driven away! Everything sounds childish, but look, now the same thing is happening to adults, to us. If in the case of children it seems to us something comical. Then in the case of adults, we will be very serious.
Masha in this case thought that Vova is now hers, since they usually always play together. But Vova did not make any promises to Masha that he would only be with her. In general, it is an age-old problem for people to identify a person with their property. Unfortunately, this is our ego. It's sewn into us. While we are as souls in the shell of the body, we will constantly think that this body is ourselves and everything connected with this body is also ours. You can't get rid of our ego just by wanting it. Therefore, there are conditional contracts in this world. Called a wedding. I give consent that I'm yours now, and I give consent that I'm yours now. And they put up with this madness.
There is only one way out – to follow these promises, because this is the only thing that will help us to be human, and not animals.
4 main reasons that make people jealous of each other about and without:
Waiting for the inevitable loss of love
Your own desire to change
Distrust in a couple
Guys, it's simple. Distrust. And distrust arises for two reasons:�
1) self-doubt (I am so dumb that he will definitely find someone else who is more beautiful and intelligent);�
2) Lack of confidence in the decency of the partner (this (this) goat(goat) such that it needs to change like 2 fingers).�
And jealousy is not from love at all. I talked to my mother about this, and she said that the last thing she would think about if her husband was late and didn't answer the phone was that he was cheating on her.
Because they think that their significant other doesn't like them enough and something doesn't suit them. Therefore, this is what causes such a panic. Jealousy is distrust of the other half.
A woman, ceasing to be a human, living as a female, brings into this world selfishness, isolation, a sense of ownership, manipulation of males to provide for themselves. Jealousy – the feeling of ownership of a non-human.
This is a very sensitive topic recently. This probably won't be quite the answer to the question, but it will be something for novice jealous users to learn from my research. Make yourself comfortable.
All my life I have considered myself a balanced, rational person, not prone to emotional turmoil. I thought that jealousy was some kind of animal trait that I probably didn't have. But now, being in the first long-term relationship, it turned out that I was the most p**ned jealous. And the girl, having a very accommodating character, allowed this trait to be fully revealed.:
I don't allow you to communicate with the male sex, even online. She always reports her location: there's no way she's gone anywhere, and I can't check where she is. She often asks me out if she wants to go somewhere. And that's not all…
I must say that I don't like it very much myself. I would like to think that all of the above(not) listed is a temporary measure. Because I dig a lot into myself, analyze my complexes, fears, feelings, in order to understand the reasons and change it.
The dumbest answer to why people are jealous is that they are afraid of cheating. At least that's how it works for me. I do not know why else you can be jealous. How did I explain and justify this jealousy in myself earlier:
There are a lot of people around the world who are better than ME in some ways, and it's true. Better as breadwinners, better as lovers. (If I consider such abstract people as competitors, then perhaps this is self-doubt)
I do not trust the female psyche and emotional instability, as I know firsthand what it is.
For example, some left-wing guy may look fresher and more winning against my background (especially during our conflict or long breakup), and the fact that she may want him will be quite natural. And if this other one is also quite clever, then at least it will be difficult for her to resist. As a maximum , she will give herself, and then she will regret it. I can't trust her nature, even though I can trust that she loves me and doesn't want to cheat on me. The situation is abstract, but for me it sounded convincing and as a reason to be jealous.
By the way, if you talk very, very directly, then the main fear I have is that someone else will fuck her, and she will like it. It's also scary to be a deer and not know it. Like, she doesn't want to tell me about it, so as not to hurt me. It's scary.�
There is also the fear that your woman in your head allows all sorts of erotic scenes with someone who is not you or really wants someone else, and you don't know about it
When you read about these fears and it doesn't concern you personally in any way, then it seems that everything is, in general, obvious and intuitive. But no! When you yourself are in the middle of a storm of these feelings , it's quite hard to catch yourself in such things and it's hard to admit something to yourself. So don't think you're the smartest person out there and you know everything
There are a lot of fears. It's helpful to realize what EXACTLY you're afraid of. But it doesn't always work in practice. For fears arise on the move. Here is now a useful lifehack.
I'll take a situation from my life. The girl comes home from work, takes a selfie and says that she wants to walk a couple of stops. And then the thought creeps into my head: “what if she's not alone?”, “what if that someone is standing right behind the scenes?”. * Now I want to do a bunch of things: ask who she's with, make a video call so that she can turn the phone around and make sure that she's there alone, and so on.
What even happened? In fact, I presented a picture myself and was afraid that it would turn out to be true. And I impulsively wanted to get proof that this is all wrong. You get it, don't you? I was afraid of my own fantasy.
Here, where there is an asterisk ( * ) – there it is important to stop and ask yourself “what are you afraid of?”. And answer radically honestly. If you globally understand that you are jealous from uncertainty, from fear of loss, then this does not make it easier. And if you understand what you are afraid of here and now, then for some reason it is easier. That's bullshit.�
I apologize for the confusion, but I hope it will be useful to someone
For two reasons. The first and probably most obvious one is the ownership effect. Well, how is it that my girlfriend / boyfriend/husband/wife/friend/girlfriend (even if they are not individuals) is being attacked by someone else, someone else, someone not me. In my opinion, this reason has more biological roots than psychological ones.
Well, the second one is actually psychological. If we love a person, then we value them, so we are afraid of losing them. This, in my opinion, is the main reason for the development of jealousy. When you love a person, you want to bind them to you by all means, so long as they are with you and don't go anywhere, don't betray you. Therefore, we can even say that jealousy has positive aspects with:
I'm not a biologist, though. Not a psychologist. This is just the opinion of an ordinary, average person
You've already answered your own question. I don't understand what the self-doubt that many people write about has to do with it. I can't imagine how someone throws themselves at my man, and I'm all so confident in myself, I don't react, I don't get upset, I don't get jealous? I can be confident both in myself and in my partner, but the very fact that someone has laid eyes on him will not give me peace of mind, I am possessive.
There are several factors involved. Among them is self-doubt. For example, your boyfriend is communicating with a girl, and you are jealous because you think that she is in some sense better than you.�
As Olga mentioned, there is also a sense of ownership. When you believe that a person, as rude as it may sound, belongs to you.
There is also a so-called side factor. Each person needs personal space, just someone more, and someone less. Those who need less than this space do not understand what you can do in this “free time from your partner”, inventing various reasons for jealousy.�
Also, the aforementioned fear of losing, as I believe, originates from self-doubt or a sad past experience, which, as a rule, leaves an imprint.
jealousy is a disturbed sense of ownership. When an outsider used my property. And nothing else. Love is self-sacrifice. Everything else is verbiage.
Jealousy is the attitude to another person as to one's own thing. Would you like it if someone took your shoes to wear? So they don't like it either. Because for them, the person they love is like a shoe.
Such people mistakenly believe that the other person should be with him and only with him every minute and second of his life. Jealousy has nothing to do with true love, where you feel complete freedom (do not take my words as a green light for free sexual relations or their analogues, I'm talking about spiritual freedom).
There is no place for limits and contracts in love .This person is not yours, will never be yours, and never was. He doesn't make you any promises of eternal love. He can leave at any time. It can change.
My opinion is that people are jealous (if we talk about love relationships) because of the wrong idea of love.
As Natalia Grace said: “Jealousy is the fear of superiority of another person and disrespect for someone else's choice.” So now, draw conclusions.
There are different scientific theories about why a person is jealous.
One of them is called the theory of specific innate modules. Proponents of this concept believe that jealousy helped our ancient, ancient ancestors (somewhere from the Pleistocene era) survive under selective pressure — that is, pressure that determined whose offspring would remain and which would not. At the same time, jealousy worked differently for men and women.
The ancient man could not reliably know who the father of the child was-he or some rival. And a naive male could accidentally raise the wrong child, that is, not pass on their genes-unlike a jealous man. For a woman, it was more important that a man help her raise her offspring: after all, this process is very time-consuming. If a male were to transfer resources to a rival (physical protection, shelter, food, and so on), it could destroy her own children. Therefore, the researchers decided, the emotional-cognitive module made men predisposed to jealousy on the basis of sexual infidelity of a partner, and women-on the basis of emotional infidelity.
Another scientific approach is socio-cognitive theory.
Scientists who adhere to it explain jealousy as follows: this feeling occurs when a potential rival threatens something that a person considers valuable to himself in an important relationship. And jealousy in this case motivates a person to destroy this dangerous relationship.
That is, jealousy seems to be a general psychological mechanism that can arise outside the context of sexual relations. This is why we can make someone-not our romantic partner — jealous of our siblings, friends, and even colleagues.
In species with internal fertilization of the female, males run the risk of both reducing the likelihood of paternity and investing in competing gametes if their partners have sexual contact with other males.�
Females of these species do not risk reducing the likelihood of motherhood due to infidelity of a partner, but they risk diverting the help and resources of their partners to competing females.�
Thus, gender differences in jealousy and jealousy itself emerged in humans as a solution to the corresponding adaptive problems that each gender faces.